This morning after my land-line phone rang 20 times, stopped and then started up again, i decided it might not be a telemarketer, so I drug my weary butt out of bed and answered it. It was Louie, this guy I really don't know, but he used to go to my church and he watched me grow up I guess. He's 50 or something. Apparently, he decided that he is supposed to marry be because we believe in the same things (which I highly doubt) and so he's been trying to track me down for about 2 years, from Hawaii, where he lives. He once called my parents to ask them permission to date me. They said no. Then, he sent a really weird post card to which I most certainly did not respond. Later he called and left another message, which I found by accident and needless to say did not answer. And then today, because some person from church gave him my number, he called me and let the phone ring 20 times, hung up, and then called again. He wanted to know if he had a shot, I guess. He asked why he'd never heard back. I said I didn't know what to say, and that I was doing the celebate yogi thing and pointed out that he lives in Hawaii. I didn't mention that he's 20+ years older than me, a stalker who doesn't even know me, and that the odds of me dating him ranked somewhere between winning the lottery and the chance that I'll live to see the sun become a red giant and engulf the earth. He chatted for a while and I was almost free and clear before he said, "well, maybe I'll call you again sometime." Great. So I am officially never answering my land line again.

Then I went to track down my friend to appoligize for a little discussion that got way out of hand, and found that she'd posted it on her blog and gotten our other friends involved. Then I fumed and ranted in my apartment, and decided I wasn't much in the mood to appoligize anymore, so I went back to bed where I sort of slept and sort of stressed out for an hour and a half. And then I did my best to study. I called my mom 4 times before she finally got home. She calmed me down. I also watched an episode of Law & Order, 2 Without a Traces, and 2 Mediums while I typed up attack sheets for my exam tomorrow. I did my best to eat everything in my refrigerator. I talked to Lisa, and it was nice to be known. I feel so lost here lately. Like no one gets me; like I can't be me. I am tired of blending in. I am sure it will pass, but right now I am just so tired. I miss you Dailey, Rina, Amber, Bree, Lisa, David, Mom, Dad, Gurudev, Sid and Soda and all the gatos. I miss the Posse at lunch time. I miss being in meetings and feeling like people respected what I could do. I miss the crazy "cool" kids coming by and tormenting me after school. I miss making a difference.

I am going home tomorrow to spend some time with people who know me and actually don't make me feel like a monster or a mother on a daily basis. I am going to study, and have homemade Indian food with a bunch of happy people. I am going to study some more and then have coffee with Sven, the most beautiful, intelligent, and sketchily moral guy I know. I imagine I'll have a crush on him by the end, but that he'll leave disappointed. I imagine it will be fun anyway. I imagine I'll feel refreshed when I come home to watch Grey's Anatomy on Sunday night, my favorite show. But then, who really knows?